Relationship Anarchy: What It Is and How It Works

What relationship anarchy means

Relationship anarchy is an approach where each relationship is shaped by the people in it, rather than by default rules or a ranking of relationship types. People who practice it often call themselves relationship anarchists, or RAs.

The core ideas

A few ideas come up again and again:

• No automatic ranking. A romantic or sexual partner is not assumed to matter more than a close friend.
• Agreements are chosen, not assumed. People say out loud what they expect from each other instead of relying on what a label usually implies.
• Honesty and autonomy. Everyone is free to make their own choices and is honest about them.
• Relationships need not be romantic or sexual. Friendship, care and commitment count too.

It does not mean "no commitments"

Relationship anarchy is sometimes misread as having no commitments, but the commitments are simply agreed rather than assumed. Someone can be deeply committed to a partner or a friend, and the shape of that commitment is something the two of them decide.

How it differs from other styles

In hierarchical polyamory, partners agree that some relationships come first. In non-hierarchical polyamory, relationships are not ranked but are usually all romantic. Relationship anarchy goes a step further by treating every kind of relationship, including friendships, as something to shape rather than something to slot into a category. See What Is Polyamory? for the common forms.

What it looks like day to day

It usually means talking about expectations early and often. People may discuss how much time they want together, whether they live together, how they handle money or children, and how they approach sexual health. Some write their agreements down, and many do not.

What can be hard

Relationship anarchy asks for a lot of communication, and the people around you may expect the usual defaults. Partners can also want different things, so the agreements may need revisiting as circumstances change.

If you are dating a relationship anarchist

Ask what commitment looks like for them, and tell them what you want in return. Do not assume that a missing label means a missing commitment, and do not assume it means the opposite.

If you want to meet people

Curious about meeting people who see relationships this way? Browse Polyamory Meet and read what members say they are looking for.